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Fiction Hope's End

Discussion in 'Fluff and Stories' started by Kcibrihp-Esurc, Dec 16, 2015.

  1. Kcibrihp-Esurc
    Razordon

    Kcibrihp-Esurc Well-Known Member

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    After Norimia and Eliara returned with news of Ardaris’ death, and their allies soon to arrive, the Island fell into a very quiet time, with many not believing that the vampire had fallen. Scetto became very quiet as he brooded, and constantly denied that she was dead, whilst the leaders of each group met to plan defences. It was there that Anerhet was approached about the possibility of bringing other Tomb Kings to help, and while he doubted that they would, he agreed that it was worth trying. The plans were laid to leave in a few weeks time.

    However, before they left two things happened, first, Scetto disappeared entirely and second, the entire Legion of the Ulv arrived on the shores of Kaixilixapati, with news that the Empire had gone through major upheavals, and they had left the now hostile country.
    When the brothers left for Lahmia the defences of Cuaqtla were stronger than ever, and the future seemed bright. When they arrived however, the vampires waiting for them spoiled their hopes. The ex-Lord Rehorpais was waiting, desiring the duel they were supposed to have nearly three millennia previous.
    Anerhet was forced to accept.

    When he was alive Anerhet was one of the finest warriors in Nehekhara, and Rehorpais’ plan then was to wear him down until he was helpless, however, undead, including Tomb Kings don’t get tired physically, And Rehorpais didn’t want to find out who slipped first against Anerhet.

    Harneni watched as the two opponents circled one another, The vampire holding a massive sword - Large enough to be a greatsword for a human - in one hand, and a large kite shield in the other, whilst resplendent in full plate- looking like a bizarre cross between a Grail Knight and a Chaos Warrior -while Anerhet stood in bronze chainmail while holding a large glaive ahead of him. There was no clear winner to this fight, and it could easily last several days. When the fight commenced everyone watched fervently, but after hours of fighting it became clear that it wasn’t going to be over quickly. Several vampires, easily bored slunk away to do something else.

    After two full days of fighting, the sun was blotted out by dark clouds, and both combatants stopped fighting to look to the skies. The darkness was nearly complete. Even the vampires shrank from the sudden shadows, and the cold that soon followed.

    Rehorpais looked at Anerhet in disbelief, he was a warrior, he didn’t like things he didn’t understand. “How about we put aside our duel until we figure out what’s going on?” Rehorpais asked. Anerhet just nodded and kept looking at the sky. “Maybe we should retreat to the city!?” They heard Harneni shout, and, unable to argue with his logic, they started to sprint to the gate.
    The sudden gale put them to the ground, and blew the sand all around them, blinded the three tried in vain to make it to the city, but the shrieking wind constantly knocked them down, while the razor-like sand whipped past.

    After what seemed like hours the wind died as suddenly as it had begun, and they found the city surrounded by an army, a ring nearly fifty men deep, an army with no banners or representation.
    They just stood there, utterly still, in shining white, staring ahead. The trio watched as a vampire approached the line. They remained still even as he waved his hands in their faces, laughing, completely motionless, until he touched one of them.

    The thing reached out and grabbed the vampire’s arm, and the sickening crunch of bones made everyone cringe as the screaming vampire bashed his unbroken arm against the creature that had seized him. They all stared in horror as it ripped his arm off entirely, the vampire had stopped beating on it now, he was standing still, silent, staring at the stump. The monster plunged it’s hand into his chest, and out the other side, and then returned to it’s position in line, blood still dripping from it’s arm. They all just stared, dumbfounded at the vampire’s corpse. The ring parted to allow a walkway, and a few vampires started to head there to attempt to escape, but scrambled away when the being it was meant for started walking down the path.

    The entire army kneeled to him simultaneously and nearly all the vampires averted their gaze in fear and awe. The figure was over twenty feet tall, covered in rusted plates of metal, and with curved bull horns protruding from the sides of it’s head, each around the size of a man, and a spear as long as a battering ram, and a shield as large as a chariot. As it surveyed the standing vampires, all but Rehorpais and his companions fell to their knees like the army around them, and it’s eyes at last fell on Anerhet, Harneni and the Ex-Lord. It approached them, and stopped ahead of them “Kneel” it commanded with a raspy, wraithlike voice. “Kneel before your new god!” The trio felt the order shiver through their souls. “Make me.” Rehorpais looked up into it’s eyes defiantly as he said this. “My only god is Nagash.” He proclaimed, the monstrosities laugh seemed distant, and the sound struck dread into the three standing before it. “Very well” It rasped, “You shall kneel before my throne in the afterlife!” Before any of them could move, the spear plunged through the vampire’s armour, and into his heart. The vampire was dead before he reached the ground in his fall. It turned it’s penetrating gaze to the Tomb King and Hierophant. Again it told them to kneel.
    Neither did.

    “What are you?” Anerhet asked, the creature laughed.
    “The future ruler of this world, Bolisudtai. Elder god of the Undead!” It turned back to him “Now, Anerhet” it spat his name like an insult “Where is the vampire?” The Tomb king was shocked by it knowing his name, but he was even more shocked by the question. “Do you mean Ar-” Harneni started, “Do not speak, Worm!” The ‘God’ roared at the Liche Priest. It turned back to Anerhet “Where is she!?” the monster shrieked.
    Anerhet stabbed his Glaive into it’s stomach, and turned to Harneni “Run!” He commanded him, “Get to the Island and tell them what’s happened!”
    He turned to his opponent, tearing his weapon from it, and started slashing desperately, while Harneni fled to the ship using his magic to flee while they were distracted by his brother.
    He knew he had to follow his king’s last order.
    He couldn’t let his brother’s sacrifice be in vain.

    Important Characters

    Harneni- A notably powerful Liche Priest and was the brother of Anerhet

    Bolisudtai- Elder god of Undeath, and all who are touched by the magic of undeath, Caster, and cast upon

    Important Locations

    Cuaqtla- Located on the island of Kaixilixapati this Kahoun was created as a place to store knowledge and as a focal point for the geomantic web

    Lahmia- A major city of Nehekhara, birthplace of vampirism. Anerhet died here.

    Deceased Characters

    Rehorpais- A powerful blood dragon from the time of Nehekhara, destroyed by Bolisudtai

    Anerhet- A Tomb King who has split off from the rest of Nehekhara with his brother and became reclusive and later joined the Lizardmen of Cuaqtla. Destroyed by Bolisudtai
     
    Last edited: Dec 16, 2015
  2. spawning of Bob
    Skar-Veteran

    spawning of Bob Well-Known Member

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    Oh heck. We are all screwed. Why did you tick off a god, Esurc?

    That's some powerful images you have there. Polish is good too. You might want to go back and insert paragraph breaks to make it a bit easier on the eye.
     
  3. Bowser
    Slann

    Bowser Third Spawning

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    This is really quite good! Enjoyable to read and has me wanting more! Can't wait for the next installment!
     
  4. Slanputin
    Carnasaur

    Slanputin Well-Known Member

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    I really, really liked this piece Esruc. It's so much more fast-paced then my more...er....bloviated writing. It's nice to see another's writing style.

    I thought the descriptions were pretty vivid, although I may have to dip back into your previous writing to jog my memory for certain events/characters - I really appreciated your appendix because of this!
     
  5. spawning of Bob
    Skar-Veteran

    spawning of Bob Well-Known Member

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    Yeah - forgot. The missing Scetto needs to be in this index too. It should probably say "uncanny rat. Possibly has the hots for Ardaris, along with everyone else."

    Why Ardaris, Why?

    Sob.

    SoB
     
  6. Tziruzitza
    Skink

    Tziruzitza Member

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    Nice piece indeed :)

    Can't wait to see more of these guys!
     
  7. Kcibrihp-Esurc
    Razordon

    Kcibrihp-Esurc Well-Known Member

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    What makes you think that?

    Done.

    Thanks, I'm hoping for some criticism too

    He was only mentioned twice, At that point I'd have to put nearly every character in!

    ...? Why "uncanny"?

    I think that's just you, Bob...
    Probably you...
    I rest my case...
     
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  8. Bowser
    Slann

    Bowser Third Spawning

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    Only real criticism I can come up with is I didn't like this:
    They were already bilnded then the sand was blinding them. Just didn't flow right.
     
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  9. Tziruzitza
    Skink

    Tziruzitza Member

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    One thing that didn't quite flow right...

    This:
    ...sounds like everyone except Rehorpais is kneeling, then this:
    ...says that the other two were still standing too.

    Maybe the first snippet should say "all but Rehorpais and his companions fell to their knees", or something similar?

    There's a few little grammatical things, which look like autocorrect being "helpful" to be honest, but nothing major; would you like those as well, or are you more after the "bigger picture" stuff?
     
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  10. Kcibrihp-Esurc
    Razordon

    Kcibrihp-Esurc Well-Known Member

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    Thanks for the answers @Tziruzitza & @Bowser I'll look at the points you made, I'm honestly surprised there weren't more problems XD It was written very quickly!
     
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